Massive dork losers

I am not a cool person. I never was, and chances are I never will be. I've always been a bit of a dork, a bit of a loser.

I mean looking back on myself between the ages of twelve and fifteen it's a little hard not to cringe. I mean I had the braces, the ugly glasses, the not very fashionable clothes, and a frankly dreadful taste in shoes.

I like to think that I have improved on those fronts despite remaining a loser. But I mean seeing as yesterday and today I made my hair up like Lagertha and Aslaug from Vikings, I think we can all agree on the fact that I'm not exactly the coolest cat on this street.

Whatever. My hair looks awesome today, I don't care. Most of the time.

When I'm on my own surrounded by people who are cool, and who have been tricked into believing that I'm a fully functional human being that could possibly be allowed to hang out with them, it's not so fun.

"So Chloe what do you like to do with your time off ? "

"Oh you know, nothing special, I like to sit at home in the dark with my teddy bears and my cat watching way too many TV shows and rereading Harry Potter for the 800th time"

But when I'm with friends it's awesome. Cause my friends are also fucking dorks. All of the them. Seriously. Some of them are very good at camouflaging themselves, but trust me, they're dorks.

 Losers, the lot of them. God bless.

So yeah. I'm a loser. It's not so bad. I'm pretty well surrounded. And besides, being cool always seemed pretty overrated.

Tomorrow will be kinder

I get these moods where nothing feels real. Where I don't feel sad, or happy, or angry, I just feel empty and I also kind of feel like I'm floating.

Those are days where there is virtually nothing to do with me. The best solution is to abandon me in my room with the Internet and Bob (you know my dolphin teddy) , and maybe a comfort book (meaning Harry Potter, preferably one of the three first ones. Prisoner of Askaban is my favourite).

Leave me there, let me mope (as my mother would call it) and then let me sleep it off. I'm usually better the next day. If I'm not then repeat.

When I'm in my bed I feel warm, and safe, and protected. My mum and Granny have both recently expressed concern over how much time I spend in my room, but I like my room. It's safe there. No one can hurt me when I'm in my room under my blankets. With Bob. Obviously.

Admittedly I get lonely sometimes. But not often enough to make me want to get out. I'm not an extrovert, and not at ease with large groups of people. And I like being alone sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother thinks I'll walk out someday and then come back with a boy. Or with a girl. 

And I wonder if she thinks that the reason I want to stay single is because I'm shy or something. 

And then I wonder how I might have to explain myself one day. After all I'm only twenty, being single is hardly unusual. But maybe when I'm older.

And I'm scared that I might get lonely. But not scared enough.

The last time I tried to hint at this subject with my mum, she told me that she thought I was protesting a bit too much about never wanting a partner.

I replied that if I protest so much it's only because no one is listening.

I still don't know what I'm doing

I forgot to write here again. I just kind of lost all motivation, all will to keep trying. I mean let's be honest here. I am not the most interesting person out there, and I don't have all that much to say.

But you know I did start this thing for a reason. And there are two or three people I know who do read my ramblings and who, on different occasions, have asked me to look after my blog a bit more.

So here I am. Writing on my blog. Check me out.

I am on holidays after all, it's not as if I don't have time. I mean I literally just spent my entire day in bed watching "Orange is the New Black" and "Firefly". My mother is probably going mental cause I have no social life and all I do is "mope" around the house.

I have a job this time though, so unlike last summer she can't guilt trip me about it. I take my victory's where I can get them.