Tomorrow will be kinder

I get these moods where nothing feels real. Where I don't feel sad, or happy, or angry, I just feel empty and I also kind of feel like I'm floating.

Those are days where there is virtually nothing to do with me. The best solution is to abandon me in my room with the Internet and Bob (you know my dolphin teddy) , and maybe a comfort book (meaning Harry Potter, preferably one of the three first ones. Prisoner of Askaban is my favourite).

Leave me there, let me mope (as my mother would call it) and then let me sleep it off. I'm usually better the next day. If I'm not then repeat.

When I'm in my bed I feel warm, and safe, and protected. My mum and Granny have both recently expressed concern over how much time I spend in my room, but I like my room. It's safe there. No one can hurt me when I'm in my room under my blankets. With Bob. Obviously.

Admittedly I get lonely sometimes. But not often enough to make me want to get out. I'm not an extrovert, and not at ease with large groups of people. And I like being alone sometimes.

Sometimes I wonder if my mother thinks I'll walk out someday and then come back with a boy. Or with a girl. 

And I wonder if she thinks that the reason I want to stay single is because I'm shy or something. 

And then I wonder how I might have to explain myself one day. After all I'm only twenty, being single is hardly unusual. But maybe when I'm older.

And I'm scared that I might get lonely. But not scared enough.

The last time I tried to hint at this subject with my mum, she told me that she thought I was protesting a bit too much about never wanting a partner.

I replied that if I protest so much it's only because no one is listening.