No future

No future. Wasn't that what the punks would say back in the 70s? No future, two words that sum up a complete and utter hopelessness about what life still has to offer.

No future. I've been thinking about that a lot these past few days. I only put those two words on what I was feeling today, but I've been feeling that way since Friday.

Heavy. Heavy and blank. Heavy, blank and tired, oh so very tired.

I get my results on the 7th of June. I was finally able to give the date of my doom to my mother. She'd been asking for that date for weeks. I wonder if she's noticed or not. Has she seen how listless I've been these past few days.

Probably not. She's pretty occupied with herself and her immediate family bless her. Her immediate family being her husband and baby daughter. Not that she doesn't consider me as family. I'm just not quite so immediate anymore.

She thinks I have a future. She thinks that one day not so far away it'll all click into place. I'll find a man. Graduate. Get a job. Get married. Have kids. A normal boring life just like everyone else.

That's not a future. That's doom. That's a boring listless existence right there in front of me according to my mother. That's whats expected for me. That's what's expected of me.

I don't want it. Leave me be.

And it will leave me be. Because I'll never find a man, I don't trust them. I'll graduate but it will mean nothing. I'll get a job just to survive. I'll never marry because marriage is dead. I'll never have children because I dislike them. I will stay alone, safe.

No future for me.