And the dish ran away with the spoon

My mum, sister and stepfather went for a walk in town this afternoon. I was went to go with them but for some reason I was really tired this morning and so I ended up going back to bed instead.

So instead of going outside in the sun and spending time with members of my family, I fell asleep for an hour then watched two movies (Zombieland and Corpse Bride).

Good going Chloe.

Anyway when they came back in the evening my stepdad had brought me back a book called "Complete Nonsense" by Edward Lear. It's the coolest thing, oh my goodness.

Anyway after having had a look through it I can't get "hey diddle diddle" out of my head, even though it wasn't actually written my Edward Lear. Oh well.

Hey diddle diddle,

The Cat and the fiddle,

The Cow jumped over the moon.

The little Dog laughed,

To see such sport,

And the Dish ran away with the Spoon.

The most important person

I had a two hour phone conversation with my best friend this evening. It was as awesome as anything awesome can be.

I miss her so much.

You see she's been working all summer so we're hardly been able to talk. The fact that she lives in an other country doesn't help either.

I can't even begin to explain my love for this person. It's gotten to a point that I'm almost afraid to express it because I'm afraid that I might love her more than she does and that would be painful. But then she assures me that it's actually the opposite so I think that we're probably ok.

Still I worry now and again. I always do.

She is number one and she always has been and always will be. Period. She's not my best friend, she's my soul mate, it's a whole different story.

I don't know man, I just really love her. Let the whole world know.

So yeah Tam since I know you're reading this I shall leave you the following message : you should probably be afraid of me. And did I mention that I love you a lot?

Freedom & Love

Tomorrow I'm going to have the whole day to myself. I haven't had one of those for a little while. I'm hesitating spending the whole day reading a book (or maybe two), or watching the second half of the first season of American Horror Story.

Tough choice.

Either way school starts in less than a week so I might as well enjoy the last moments of complete free time that I have left.

If a watch the show I could cuddle up with my cat, and I can't do that if I read. He always pushes the book away as if to tell me to pet him instead of hold up the silly useless paper thing.

I'm going to miss him when I go back to college. It's almost sad how the creature I miss the most, and who probably misses me the most is my cat.

He's my baby, my darling, my boy. I can't imagine loving anything or anyone more. He's so perfect.

So if he shows up in the early afternoon, I'll watch the show. If he doesn't I'll read. Either way it's not like I'm studying. To think I might spend my last moments of freedom doing that.

An outing with a five year old

I looked after my sister again today. We went to the river on our little scooters, because I thought I would make an effort for once and not just turn on the TV.

I ended up irritated and she ended up crying.

Not cause i yelled at her or anything, I'm not that much of an awful sister. No she just got really tired and fell over three or four times. Completely by accident too but it doesn't make me look good does it? Bringing my baby sister home covered in scratches and bruises while being in a not so good mood.

It wasn't that bad really. I just don't have the energy, or nurturing instinct required to enjoy looking after a hyperactive five year old.

In any case we didn't have a bad day. We went out, she swam a bit and played with my dads dog (my dad isn't her dad). She even got to have a bubble bath when we got home.

Goodness, I can't remember the last time I had a bubble bath. It must be nice being five.

Kitty therapy

On a more pleasant note than my last post, my cat is currently asleep at my feet on my bed.

He's just a fat, fuzzy, sleepy pile of pure happiness. Every now and again is nose just twitches.

Just looking at him makes me feel a lot happier.

Immediately after writing the previous sentence he came up and sat on me instead.

I feel better now.

Fear

I don't have panic attacks, or anxiety attacks or whatever you call them. I'm lucky enough to be able to keep control of my own body and breathing when I panic.

Sometimes though, when I'm alone, usually in my bed at night, I get what I can only describe as a fear attack. There is nothing physical about it, I don't have any trouble breathing or anything like that. It's just that all of a sudden I get crushed by an overwhelming fear or everything. Of nothing. Of anything.

I don't know why I'm afraid, I just am, and it's awful.

I'm afraid right now. Because the world is going to shit, as it always is, and I feel terrified. I don't know what's going to happen, and that scares me.

And the worse thing is that there is absolutely nothing I can do except curl up with Bob, my childhood cuddly toy, and wait it out until I eventually fall asleep.

It fucking sucks man.

School?

I realised yesterday that I start school next week. Yeah I wasn't ready for that realisation.

My body is not ready! I've been falling asleep around midnight and getting up at eleven everyday all summer! How can anyone expect me to get up at half six to get to class??

Oh Lord. I'm going to die.

Chloe, comment les bébés arrivent dans les ventres des mamans?

Today I was babysitting my younger sister, her parents (my mother and stepfather) being at work. I have done this many times before so there should have been no cause for alarm.

But then something happened. Something that was not I repeat not supposed to happen without the presence of her mother.

Caitlin asked me how babies end up in the mummies tummy.

I don't want to have to have the talk with my five year old baby sister. Oh God no.

See many people believe that young children should just be told some bullshit story about storks and cabbage, and then when they are "ready", and around the age of twelve, then they will get the talk.

Um no.

My mother firmly believes (and I agree, as much as I might have wished that I didn't today) that you should always tell kids the truth, no matter how unpleasant it may seem. That's why I had basic knowledge of human reproduction at the age of eight.

Anyhow I had about three seconds to come up with a child friendly but truthful explanation at how babies get in the mothers stomach.

I came out with the following : so mummies have lots of little eggs in their bellies, and daddies have these special seeds, and when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much they give each other a special hug and the seed goes to the egg and they mush together and then we wait nine months for the baby to grow.

Bam human reproduction for five year olds.

Drugs and enthusiasm

I've been taking some medication for the past two months to help with my anxiety and my constant crushing inability to actually even try to enjoy my life. I'm actually feeling much better, which is a relief.

The first thing that came back was my sense of humour, and by that I mean that I started making more shitty jokes, and not because I was pretending to be ok, but because I genuinely felt like being a sarcastic dick again.

Then I started making plans. For real, actual plans, as in things that I actually feel like doing and intend to do one day. As opposed to just wanting to lie in my bed all day and do fuck all.

The next thing to show up was enthusiasm. Is it sad to say that I almost didn't recognise the feeling at first? I'm am doing something and I don't feel numb. It's incredible, and joyful, and wonderful, and amazing.

I'm feeling properly happy, for no reason, and without someones help, for the first time in ages.

I know some people don't approve of drugs, and using them to get better. I decided to trust my doctor and I don't regret it. Cause if I'm to be completely honest I would have to say that drugged enthusiasm is a whole lot better than being sober and numb all the time.

Life is looking a whole lot brighter than it used to.

Bedrooms

I moved into my new apartment the other day. My house mate helped me get my stuff together, and set my room up. I had to make my bed, and put up my posters, and tidy away my clothes. And eventually the room looked like my bedroom.

I have three bedrooms. One at my dads, one at my mums, and one in my own place. They all look kind of alike, and that's on purpose.

I need to have somewhere that familiar and comforting. How can I have that if I have to move around all the time? I make do with having rooms that are all very similar. And it works for me. It move in and I know exactly how to make myself feel comfortable. I know how to make the place my own.

It's a working system.

On the subject of bananas

I have been craving bananas for weeks now. I want a banana. All I can think about sometimes is how much I really, really want to eat a banana.

I have no idea where this madness has come from, or why for that matter.

Just bananas, man. Bananas.

The other day I went grocery shopping with my stepdad, and I fully intended on ending this madness by buying bananas, eating them, and then going back to normal. And then I made a horrific discovery, which quite honestly, I should have seen coming.

Bananas are not grown in Europe. They are imported from quite far away.

Well fuck. This puts a stop on my plans.

I try to be good, meaning that I try to by as local as possible, and I avoid eating non seasonal foods. I am occasionally tricked by my own ignorance, but at least I try.

The bananas being sold at the market were either from the Equator, or from Costa Rica. So my conscience did not allow me to buy the bananas. So I did not get bananas.

This should not be half as upsetting as it is to me right now.

Des bananes et des pommes

My mother has been away on holidays with my little sister for about a week now, and my stepfather will soon be joining them. My dad is here though so I guess he'll be able to feed me (I'm hopeless).

But ever since my mother has been gone he has been making these fruit and veg smoothies every other night, and they are very nice. He's quite proud of them really.

First he made one with mint, apples, and cucumber, and I think that that one was my favourite.

But the other day he made one with kiwis, pears, vanilla ice cream, cucumber and something else I can't remember. Anyhow my friend Asma came to visit so we offered her some. She tasted it and exclaimed that it was Delicious perfectly obvious that it was made out of apples and bananas.

It took a lot of convincing on my part to assure her that there were absolutely no such fruit in that particularly smoothie. We agreed that she would never win any games based on guessing the ingredients in a dish or drink.

It was quite funny though. I'm not sure why she was so sure, but I have a feeling that she may have been tricked by the vanilla ice cream.

Who knows?