To forgive or not to forgive

I've mentioned my family on multiple occasions here. What can I say, family is important whether you like it or not.

I've talked about the members that I love, and the members that I don't like all that much. I don't say any names (unless its Ciosa cause I know she reads this), cause well even though I'm writing this for the Internet to see it's still personal.

I don't forgive. This is a problem, and it's not a good character trait, in fact I think we'd all agree that it's a pretty bad one. But to balance that out it also takes a lot to get me really and properly angry.

If I get angry at you there's little chance I'll forgive you for what you did. But to get me angry to that point... well you'd need to have fucked up pretty badly.

Ciosa always seems so forgiving in my eyes, and I find that amazing. I'd like to know how she does it, how she lets go of that rage.

Cause that's what it is with me. I feel this red hot rage towards the person that has "wronged me" (as if it were really that black and white), and it never really goes away. I try to forget about it, to move on, to continue to have a relationship with this person, but that rage always comes back.

I'm not an angry person I need to make that clear. I'm only this angry with two people in this world of ours, and I have to say that I feel that the feeling is justified. But maybe that's just me.

I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to be forgiving towards these two people (pretty sure you can guess who they are Ciosa), but I can't seem to be able to do it.

It sucks.

It sucks because I feel that I am being unnecessarily hard on these two people sometimes, while at others I want everyone to dislike them as much as I do, and then I feel guilty for my own dislike. Then of course I get angry at them for making me so conflicted about my own feelings...

It's a vicious circle. Advice Ciosa?

Oh and Ciosa like I said two posts ago, just ignore me when I'm being jealous. It doesn't happen all that often. I generally ignore it and hope it goes away fast. xx

The horse meat scandal

Some days I am so glad that I don't eat meat. Like really really glad.

For two weeks now there's been this scandal in France, "le scandale de la viande de cheval", which directly translates to the horse meat scandal.

Yeah horse meat. Not kidding.

Basically all these companies have been selling meat saying that it's beef, and well I'm pretty sure you get the picture.

Horse meat. Beh.

Now if you're like my stepmother (who oddly enough is also a vegetarian although not for the reasons that I am) then you'll be wondering what all the fuss is about. You can eat horse meat, hell some people even choose to eat it. And apparently it mustn't taste that bad cause it was passing for beef there for a while.

So yeah the fact that people have been eating horse isn't the problem. It's not a health issue in any way, and frankly it's a little silly that people are willing to eat a cow but not a horse, even I'm willing to admit that.

The problem is that these companies were telling people that it was beef. And in my mind that is a huge deal. What else are they not telling us? What are we really eating? Do we actually have any control over what we decide to consume?

I think this is a issue, because I for one am very picky about what I eat. I don't eat meat, I only eat free range eggs, I don't eat chips, or drink fizzy drinks, and that is my choice. I decided to restrict what I consume. And I think that my choice should be respected, just like everyone elses choice.

So if you don't want to eat horse then you should be able to be sure that you're not eating horse. So now I guess I'm going to worry even more about what I eat. And I guess I'm not going to be the only one.

Anger and insecurity

Two of my cousins went on holidays to Lanzarote with my Granny a few weeks ago. They've both just gotten home.

How do I feel about this? Honestly I'm jealous, but that seems obvious. Also insecure and angry. But that's got nothing to do with the fact that I couldn't go and more to do with my cousins who did.

Let me explain.

One cousin (lets call her cousin A) was one that I love beyond tiny little bits, she's one of my favourite people in the whole world and I miss her constantly.
The other (cousin B) I dislike greatly. I don't hate her. I don't hate anyone really. But my dislike for her is long lasting and deep rooted. Everyone just loves her.

I feel insecure because I feel like everyone likes cousin B more than me. And as stupid as it sounds (and trust me I am fully aware of how idiotic I am being now) I feel that cousin A must like cousin B more than me too. I'm jealous. How damn stupid is that?

I'm being a dick.

Anyway that's why I'm feeling insecure. Ignore it Ciosa  cousin A. I'm just being dumb.

Now why does this trip make you feel angry Chloe? Well lets head back to cousin B.

Cousin B told A that I never answered her messages, and insinuated that I was unnecessarily sharp and mean to her.

Excuse me? Excuse me?

First of all let me start by saying that I have never once, not once, received any messages from this cousin that was not either a group message or a birthday message. So don't you dare go around spreading nonsense like that.
And secondly she has nothing to say to me about being sharp. If I am sharp or cold towards her trust me it is perfectly deserved.

Last summer I was back home with a friend and some family and B shows up and blatantly ignores myself and my friend. Then when she was finished talking amongst "grown ups" (bearing in mind that while I'm nearly 19 she's 21 so only about two and a half years older), she turned around and talked to me, without so much as saying hello to my friend.

So excuse me for being sharp. If you were polite to me and my friends standing right in front of you then I wouldn't be.

Whatever. My dislike goes back further than that. I won't go into any details.

So long story short I feel angry and insecure. Gotta love family.

Back in Brittany

So I'm back n Brittany for a week! This wasn't planned at all.
My dad and brother and co have been here for about a week, and basically what happened is that they called me up and were all like "hey you should totally take the train here and join us".

Long story short that's what I did.

But that's not the interesting version. The interesting version is slightly longer and it involves ordinary adventures. Seriously though shit went down at some point.

Getting there.

Right so my train was at seven in the morning so I got up at five thirty so that I would have time to properly make sure I had everything done before leaving. Also I have to point out right now that I only got about four hours sleep, because the evening before leaving I had downloaded (legally) an entire series of Supernatural except that it took FOREVER and only finished at like one in the morning.

Awesome.

Anyway I was up early, got my stuff together left and walked to the train station. I then found my train, and the proceeded to almost have a heart attack because I couldn't find my seat and found myself in the first class section where rich people were staring at me clearly wondering how I dared show myself in their presence.

I eventually found my seat (in second class. Obviously. I'm a fucking student.), and settled down for a five hour journey.

I arrive at the station. I wait for an hour to catch my next train that will take me to my grandparents. I go to the quay. The train arrives. I look for my wagon. I find my wagon. I patiently wait for the people in front of me to MOVE and get in. And then just as I move to go in, the door closes and the train leaves without me and five other people.

FUCKING RAGE. 
YOU BASTARDS. 
DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW EXHAUSTED I AM?

Ahem.

So I find the ticket dude and basically more or less said something along the lines of "what the hell dude? What do I do now?? And I am NOT paying for another ticket. No."

Turns out I could still use my ticket for a train that came an hour later. Yay for an extra hour of hanging around doing nothing.

I'm lucky though. One of the girls left behind had it worse. Her friend had both their tickets and she did get on the train. Shit luck dudette.

Anyway I am now at my grandparents. And I am going to bed.

Adventures are exhausting.

Negative thinking

I get my results in two days. Not too happy about that to be honest.

Also I have a test tomorrow.

And I've put on some weight.

My hair is being weird too.

Now let us all bask in the negativity.

On going home

I went home this weekend for the first time in about three weeks. And let me tell you I had to argue for the privilege.

There are the multiple reasons behind this.

First of all I was supposed to go to class on Saturday for the third time in a row because my teacher is trying to make us catch up on the times that he was absent. On a Saturday. Fucks sake. Anyway I was supposed to go but at the beginning of the week I had a mini meltdown, called my mum and said "yeah I really need to come home. Now. Or at least as soon as possible". And she told me that it was my choice, and as long as I got someone to give me the lessons done on Saturday then no problem.

Awesome.

But then TRAGEDY AND HORROR. My mum and stepdad and sister are all sick and so I receive orders to come no where near then. Ok. Ok. I can deal with this. Weekend at dads is good too. So I call my dad and ask, and then BAM. "Sorry Chloe but your brother and I are going to Brittany for three weeks so no you can't sorry bye"

FUCKING SHIT FUCKITY FUCK.

I. Want. To. Go. HOME.

So yeah, mini meltdown. In the end I just called my mum and pretty much said "yeah I have to come home or else I'm going to explode I don't care if you're sick I won't touch any of you guys I swear so yeah see you tonight BYE"

So I went home. And I saw a friend I hadn't seen in six months, and it was really awesome. I stayed out of the sick peoples way and hopefully I'm not sick too, but if I am well shit happens.

If this happens when I'm away from home for three weeks well then I don't want to think about me moving away even further from home.

Ugh horrible thoughts. Lets not even go there.

People with roses

I've been seeing people with roses all day. Guys with bouquets, and girl proudly carrying their trophy flowers.

Valentines day. God I hate valentines day.

Of course when I say this most people react by telling me that I'm just being bitter because I'm single.

I hate it when people tell me that. I'm not bitter. I just really hate valentines day.

''Oh I love you so much !''

''You're my one true love !''

''Together forever !''

Excuse me while I gag.

Valentines day is a long never ending commercial. Buy this to prove your love to your current partner ! Give them this ! Consume, consume, consume !

So if you like that sort of thing have a nice valentines day. If not well then I guess we should make T-shirts.

Being me

Being me. That appears to have been the theme of my day.

What I mean by that is that some little things happened to me today that made me question my actions, not because they were serious or anything, but just because it's the little things that give people their first impression of you and the first impression is usually the one that sticks.

Depending on who you are the amount of talking I do changes. And I'm insecure so I hardly ever say the first I love you in a relationship (relationship here meaning a friendship because I am completely single as I always have been. Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm going to die alone. Whatever back to the subject).

My friend Eda told me that she had missed me today, and I said "I missed you too" because I had actually missed her, and then she replied "no you didn't".

Wait what?

All this because I never say it first. Well shit.

That's what I meant before by little things. They make a huge impact on people. So the fact that I'm quiet and rarely say how I really feel (unless you're one of the three people I tell everything too) gives people the impression that I don't care. And that's just not true. I care a lot. Too much sometimes.

The other thing that was to do with my daily theme was a few videos on youtube that actually talked about the concept of being yourself.

"Be yourself and people will like you"

Right. But who the fuck am I? What defines me as a person, what makes me me?

Is shy a major characteristic? Is quiet? Is the fact that I like baking important? Or the fact that I love animals? Am I me because I still sleep with my teddy bear, or is drinking tea more myself?

"I think therefore I am". Descartes said that. Clever dude, answering a huge philosophical question by basically saying "I think I'm me so I'm me". At least that's how I understand it.

I made muffins... again

I made muffins again today. I swear this is becoming a problem. Admittedly it's not a problem I thought I would have but that just goes to show that you never know what life will throw at you.

Seriously though. Muffins. Strawberry jam muffins to be precise. What the hell. Before this it was butterbeer muffins, and before that it was chocolate muffins, and before that it was chocolate chip, and before those I made chocolate cake, and before that cookies! Lots of cookies!

Why am I doing this. I never did this before. I don't even know how to cook, and about three months ago I didn't know how to bake.

I am so going to put on weight. Oh well.

The other day during a lecture my friend Eda turned around to talk to a girl she knew (I didn't know her because I have no friends) and the girl pointed out that Eda and I always looked like we were on a picnic.

I get her point because in almost every lecture I bring us a muffin and my Thermos with some tea, and sometimes when we have long days with no breaks I even bring lunch.

And yet when it comes to making an actual proper meal I am somewhat useless. My muffins are pretty damn good though.

Silver linings.

Feeling Happy

Now I'll be the first person to admit that I'm not the most positive person in the world. In fact its pretty much the opposite, because I can be really pessimistic sometimes. Most of the time. Ok so maybe it's nearly all the time.

But every now and then I get a day where everything just feels good. In fact usually it's not even a day, but a few hours, or an evening.

I had a happy evening. I don't even know why. I just did. I got home from class around four, then I geeked on tumblr for an hour, then I decided to make muffins (again...).

But not just any muffins. Butterbeer muffins.

Fuck yeah.

So it took me two hours to make, because I had to make the buttermilk myself, and then I had to find a way to make icing without icing sugar, and yeah.

Totally worth it though.

And then because I'm a fucking loon I turned my music on really loud and I just danced really badly all my myself. You know how I mean, when you're really just jumping up and down, and waving your arms like you're a windmill, and kicking the air, and headbanging.

It looks like shit, but it's so much fun, and it's fucking liberating it really is.

So yeah I had a happy evening. I have no idea why I'm so happy this evening but hey I'm not going to complain. There's nothing nicer than being happy even if it's just for a little while. In fact that's what makes it feel so good. It's like taking a deep breath, and just feeling warm and safe and at peace.

My goal in life is to feel like this everyday. Fingers crossed.

Chocolate muffins

So I made muffins again. This was not planned. I was actually working on an assignment (that I've almost finished by the way) when suddenly I just needed to do something other than stare blankly at my computer screen writing about the third and fourth republics.

So I got up, got out the ingredients, and BAM suddenly I had made chocolate muffins.

I really need to stop doing this.

They are good though. I only realised after making them that I could have added bananas, and I have a feeling that that would have been delicious. Next time.

Because yes. There is obviously going to be a next time. I don't know when I turned into a stress baker, but at least I get snacks out of it.

Got to love the silver lining.

The recipe for those who may want it :  http://www.taste.com.au/recipes/27866/basic+chocolate+muffins

The adventures of Chloe the tired student (part 2)

So hey! Guess what I did this morning! I got up at 6:55 in the morning, got dressed, had breakfast, drank some tea, put my face on, made my bed, left the apartment, got my tram, walked to my lecture hall, walked into my lecture hall ready for a class starting at 8 o'clock sharp, and that's when I found out that I actually only had class at 9.

Well fuck. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fuck. Fucking fuck.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was more or less exactly my reaction this morning when I found out that I could have slept an entire extra hour this morning.
I have mentioned here before that sleep is precious to me. I love my sleep. I need my sleep. I could have slept another fucking hour.

I was a little annoyed to say the least.

Anyway I ended up waiting the hour away by talking with a friend and some other people. And then we had lessons and bla bla boring.

Then I went home and made chocolate mousse to cheer up a friend, then a had a skype session with another friend to cheer her up.

Then I tried to get some work done. Tried being the operative word here.

And now I am going to bed early because I have class tomorrow. A Saturday. Because my life sucks. And not only do I have to get up at 8, I also can't go home this weekend, meaning I have to stay in Strasbourg alone without seeing my friends that I haven't seen in ages and whom I really really miss.

I swear some days are just ugh.