Sad stories

You'd think we'd always avoid them wouldn't you? I mean where's the joy in watching or reading something sad, something that makes you cry?

And yet we all watch those movies or read those books.

Some of my very favourite stories are sad. And even now when I'm thinking about it I can't figure out why. I cry every time I watch Neverland, or read the Deathly Hallows, yet I read and watch them again and again.

It's strange don't you think? Is it human nature? Are we looking for an outlet, something that we're aloud to be sad about? Or are we just plain masochists enjoying the emotional pain?

I have no answers to any of these questions.

I watched a sad movie today. Well sad. More bittersweet. And I knew it was going to end the way it was, and I knew I was going to feel sad. But I watched it anyway.

We're funny creatures, humans.

Panic mode

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, ohdearohdearohdear.

Not panicking. I'm not panicking. Ok so maybe I'm panicking just a little. But frankly you can hardly blame me.

I mean I come back to Strasbourg for my exams tomorrow, the day after and Thursday, so I'm stressed out as it is. I did not need to come home to find a letter from the people who own my current place demanding information so that I can move out.

I literally have no idea what to tell them. I don't know what I'm doing, I hardly know what's going on in the first place!

Do. Not. Panic.

I called my dad because I figured he could help me out a little, but what do you know! He's not home, he's working and he's not home until late.

Don't panic.

To make things even better I haven't finished studying for my exam tomorrow, let alone for my other exams this week.

DO NOT PANIC.

I am so not ready for adult life. Days like this I think I never should have left home in the first place. Honestly what was I thinking?

Loneliness

Sometimes I get hit by this crippling wave of loneliness, and it can come out of nowhere.

I mean a lot of the time I'm fine on my own, I enjoy the quiet and I like not having to constantly interact with people. But sometimes I get lonely even when I'm surrounded by people.

Oddly enough the moments where I feel the loneliest are never the moments when I'm actually alone.

My dad made a joke today, and it was obviously a joke and I laughed because I thought it was funny. You see my dad and stepmother bought a new couch months ago, and to make place for it they put the old one in my bedroom. It's no big deal because there's room in my room and I've hardly ever slept there since I went to university. And they've been telling me for weeks now that they're going to get rid of it real soon, but they never do. And so today my dad looked at me and said "Don't worry Chloe, we'll only start to officially kick you out when you're twenty. So you've got another year before we turn your bedroom into a guestroom".

And we laughed. Because it was a joke and it was funny. No big deal.

But then I got home to my mums, and I told her because I tell my mum most of what happens to me. And she told me not to worry because they'd only empty out my room if they moved and by then I would have my own "proper place" at least according to mum.

And it hit me. The fact that one day I was going to live alone in my own proper place, and I wouldn't come home on the weekends, and I would have no bedroom to go back to.

I felt so lonely. I feel so lonely. And I'm scared, because I think that once that happens, once I'm really out of their hair and I have my own "proper place", well I think I really will be alone.

I don't want to be alone.

Exams

Exams, exams, exams... I remember the days when I had no exams, when exams were far far away in the distant future, and I didn't really believe I would ever really have to pass them.

Well those days are gone. Long gone. Fuck man.

I had my first two exams of my second semester this week. One one Monday, and the other on Wednesday. My next exam is on Monday, then I have one on Tuesday, then on Thursday. Then I have to wait two weeks for my last exam on the 16th of may. Cause that makes sense.

The inner functioning of my schools bureaucracy will remain a mystery to me.

Seriously though I think I may have fried my brain, and now studying has actually become painful. And I think that I may be going crazy. Reassuring.

I'm also quite depressed because there is a strong possibility that I'm going to fail, which would mean that all my work would have been for nothing. And that ladies and gentlemen, would suck.

So that's whats been going on in my tiny little brain. Here's to hoping I actually get some proper work done tomorrow. One can only hope.

The future

In my mind there's nothing scarier than not knowing what's going to happen next. That's something that gives me butterflies in my stomach, and makes me feel sick.

I hate not knowing. It's the worst. I hate not knowing how someone is going to react to something I say, I hate not knowing the people I'm surrounded by, and well you can guess the rest.

I get scared when I don't know exactly how something is going to happen. It makes my insides twist up in fear. So you can imagine what imagining the future must be like for me.

It's horrible. I avoid doing it like the plague.

I actually can't visualise my future self at all. It's like a huge dark void in front of me and I hate it so much, because it scares me so much, and I'm getting really tired of being scared.

I'm scared of a lot of things. It does get exhausting sometimes.

Re : explicit short story

Oh Cousine... j'avoue j'ai rigolé, mais seulement parce que je n'ai pas réellement tout compris. Un garçon? Une lettre? Une action impulsive?

Ça te ressemble, je suis bien obligée de te le dire!

Je t'ai transmis mon problème émotionnel? Surement pas! Du moins je ne l'espère pas. Ce serai bien moche pour toi bébé chou (puisque tu le réclame). Je trouve que toi et moi nos problèmes on se les comprends mutuellement mais vaut mieux pas en rajouter, ou bien si?

Tu est une nouille, mais tu est une chouette de nouille alors ça va. Envoyer une lettre à quelqu'un puis te retrouver chez cette personne quand elle (il?) la reçoit!

Au tout cas toi, ma jolie cousine si impulsive, tu va en avoir des histoires à raconter à tes enfants. Et puis merde alors! Tu en a des histoires à me raconter a moi tout court!

Merci au tout cas pour ta lettre toute rigolote. Ça ma remontée le moral après une journée d'études (le droit c'est un peu, beaucoup, beurk).

The vets

We (and by we I mean my mother and I) are taking my cat, Velvet, to the vets tomorrow. For multiple reasons.

Reason one : he smells. He smells really, really bad. I love my cat, God knows I adore every little bit of him, but my goodness the smell is getting unbearable.

See Velvet is a big cat. He's pretty heavy, and to add to that he's got very long fur. Basically he smells cause he's not able to clean himself properly, so tomorrow at the vets, he is going to get shaved. Sorry baby. It's for the best.

Reason two : we found a bald patch near his tail. It's about 5 or 6 cm long, and 3 cm wide. And it's scaring the shit out of me. I don't know where it came from, since when it's been here, and why it's here in the first place.

And so I'm scared to bring him to the vets tomorrow. Because last time I took a cat to the vets because something like this happened I never took her home again.

So I'm touching wood, and telling myself that really there's nothing to truly worry about. The hair is already growing back. There's nothing to be worried about. Nothing. Don't worry Clo.

Please let me be able to just walk in, get the cat shaved, and then walk out with him again. I'm not asking for much.

My brother and mother

My brother and my mother have a strange relationship. Or maybe I think it's strange because I've hardly ever had any trouble with my mother. Or with my dad.

They get on each others nerves I think. She nags him, and it kills me inside because I can see her doing it, and I can see him starting to get pissed off. And it's the same the other way around.

It's not really bad though, I mean there's no screaming and throwing of objects. It's just a little tense sometimes when mum starts talking about something that I know is a sore subject for my brother. Or the other way around. It's 50/50 between the two of them really.

She worries, I think, that maybe he doesn't take life seriously. It makes me want to laugh out loud because of course he doesn't! He's a 17 year old athlete, he's good-looking, he's popular, and he's smart! Why should he take life seriously?

Wouldn't she rather he be the way he is? When he could have ended up a scared little mouse like me? I'll take him the way he is thank you very much.

I'm not worried about him at all. I think my little (not so little) brother is going to be just fine. Better than fine, I think he's going to do great in life. He's one of those marvellously lucky people who always land on their feet. Lucky bastard.

Some people just get it all easier, and yeah it makes you want to scream when you're not one of those people. It gets me sometimes too, that life doesn't come easy. But I'm glad it does for him.

Even if he is a brat.

Study time

I have my exams in little over a week. I am not overly confident. Pretty much the opposite in fact, seeing as I'm  mentally preparing myself to the increasingly likely possibility that I will have to repeat my year.

Fucking joyful.

Anyhow I have now officially begun my studying, and today I spent about four or five hours going over my notes and writing down the really important stuff on a separate sheet of paper. I'm not entirely sure how long I actually studied because I took many "make more tea" and therefore many bathroom breaks.

I had a lot of tea today. Which means that I'm probably not going to sleep all that well this evening. Or maybe I will anyway. Who knows.

In any case I intend on doing the same thing tomorrow. I mean I might be certain that I'm going to fail my year, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and pass it anyway. That would be giving up, and I might not be smart or ambitious or any of that, but I can work when I put my mind to it.

And I am putting my mind to it. Right now.

So from today until Sunday after next I will dedicate my afternoons to my notes, because at least then, no matter what my results are, no one will be able to tell me that I didn't try. And that's important.

Free icecream

Some days I feel like the world is pointless, and I feel sad and worthless and useless and lonely. Some days I just want to curl up into a ball, fall asleep and cease to exist. Some days everything sucks.

Not today! Today is one one those days where everything goes right. Where everything is sunshine, puppies and kittens. And ice cream.

Ice cream. Happiness tastes like ice cream.

I got free icecream today. And not just any icecream. Oh no. It was free Ben and Jerry's icecream. Fucking yes. Just yes.. Yum.

How did I manage to get free chocolate fudge icecream? Well what happened is the following : one of my friends from school always brings some newspapers to class, and we read them during break (or during class when class is particularly slow and boring). So she was reading through her paper, and I was reading mine when she suddenly grabbed my arm and made me look and an ad on her paper.

An ad telling all that had read that newspaper that anyone who went to a Ben and Jerry's shop today would get a free icecream cone.

I don't think I've ever looked up a destination so fast in my life.

Anyway we found a B&J shop not too far from where I live so we decided to go and see. Nothing to lose right? If the ad isn't some cruel joke we get icecream, and if it is a cruel joke they just tell us to buy something or leave.

It wasn't a joke. They gave us the icecream, and I think this is the first time in ages that I've felt so giddily happy in Strasbourg (the last time being when I went to see the Hobbit).

So yeah. I got free icecream today. It was awesome.

To my Cousine chérie

Oh Cousine, je suis une courge. Je n'écris plus. Me pardonne tu?

I haven't been writing anything at all lately. I'm not entirely sure why. A mixture of intense writers block, and a mild state of depression. And I'm getting stressed out because hey! I have exams in two weeks! My last shot at validating my year! Of not having to repeat everything from scratch. I'd rather not do that. I mean if I have to then so be it.

But I'd rather not. Obviously.

I'm a huge procrastinator though, which if affecting my studying. I am however trying to push through. And whatever happens I intend to do my best. Even if my best happens to not be enough.

I'm trying to look on the bright side. I'm moving next year. I'm going to live in an apartment with a friend, instead of living on my own. I'm really looking forward to it.

I mean what's not to like? I'll be less lonely, less expensive, and it's be most likely more fun too.

So that's what's been going on in my life, my loveliest and dearest Cousine. Study, work, sleep, cakes, and I'll admit it : I've also been watching some (very good) TV shows. I love a good TV show. And a good cake. I'm actually making one right now. Cinnamon! Yum yes darling?

En bref je t'aime très fort ma Cousine, et je vais essayer d'écrire plus. Je suis juste un peu triste et fatigué ces derniers temps. Ça passera.

Spring, where art thou?

It's meant to be springtime but it's still cold. What is this.

Not cool guys. Not cool. Or rather, it's too cool (teehee).

No but seriously. I'm still wearing my winter coat, and I still can't go outside without a scarf. I also still have two blankets on top of my duvet. It's April! It's meant to be getting warmer not staying cold!

I've mentionned before that I'm not the greatest fan of snow, or the cold or anything like that. Like many people on this earth ours, I like being warm.

And right now, it is most certainly not warm outside at all.