Loneliness

Sometimes I get hit by this crippling wave of loneliness, and it can come out of nowhere.

I mean a lot of the time I'm fine on my own, I enjoy the quiet and I like not having to constantly interact with people. But sometimes I get lonely even when I'm surrounded by people.

Oddly enough the moments where I feel the loneliest are never the moments when I'm actually alone.

My dad made a joke today, and it was obviously a joke and I laughed because I thought it was funny. You see my dad and stepmother bought a new couch months ago, and to make place for it they put the old one in my bedroom. It's no big deal because there's room in my room and I've hardly ever slept there since I went to university. And they've been telling me for weeks now that they're going to get rid of it real soon, but they never do. And so today my dad looked at me and said "Don't worry Chloe, we'll only start to officially kick you out when you're twenty. So you've got another year before we turn your bedroom into a guestroom".

And we laughed. Because it was a joke and it was funny. No big deal.

But then I got home to my mums, and I told her because I tell my mum most of what happens to me. And she told me not to worry because they'd only empty out my room if they moved and by then I would have my own "proper place" at least according to mum.

And it hit me. The fact that one day I was going to live alone in my own proper place, and I wouldn't come home on the weekends, and I would have no bedroom to go back to.

I felt so lonely. I feel so lonely. And I'm scared, because I think that once that happens, once I'm really out of their hair and I have my own "proper place", well I think I really will be alone.

I don't want to be alone.