"Are you a robot then?"

"Are you a robot then?"

My cousin asked me that the other day. I was having a bad day, and when I have a bad day the worst things come out from the pit of my soul. Wow. That was oddly poetic.
But what I mean is that I end up making myself even more upset by thinking about all the things that make me unhappy, and I end up crying in front of my computer while someone (in this case my cousin) tries to help me understand what's wrong.

"Are you a robot then?"

She couldn't understand (and I don't blame her. I don't understand either) why I seem to keep myself unhappy. Why I don't try and do things that make me happy, she asked. To which I replied that I don't even know what makes me happy. I don't know anything. I'm a little empty inside. I can feel happiness (mostly given to me by Ciosa or Tamar and other friends. And sometimes a good book), but I don't know how to achieve it. So like I said before I end up feeling nothing.

"Are you a robot then?"

I don't know babe. Sometimes I wonder if I might be.
You seem to think that someone planted a seed of unhappiness when I was younger and now it's grown, and I'm trapped. But you're braver than me and you suggest that I arm up with some metaphorical axe and cut down the tree that grew from the pit of my stomach. If I were as brave and passionate as you I would. But I'm not. I'm tired, and I'm scared.

"Are you a robot then?"

Yes, sometimes I guess I am. And as awful as it sounds sometimes it's easier that way.
But don't worry about me. I'll find an axe. And once I've found it I'll look at it for a little while. Then I'll pick it up and practise using it. Then and only then will I cut down that tree.

"Are you a robot then?"

But I'll get better Ciosa. You just need to be patient with me. I do things slower than you do. I'm not as fast paced as you are. What takes you a year might take me ten and so forth. But it's not a waste of time. And I will get better.

"Are you a robot then?"

For now. But only for a little while longer.