Learning to drive. Or not.

So this is a rant. Sorry.

I hate driving. I hate it so much. I think that it is quite possibly the number one thing that I hate the most on this Earth.

So obviously it's the one thing that my entire family is convinced that I need to learn how to do, and if I don't then "your life is ruined and you'll never go far".

Yay life.

I tried. Oh God help me I tried. But at even the thought of getting behind the wheel of a car I get all tense and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I did ten hours (ten tortuously long hours) of driving lessons and then I had a breakdown. In a restaurant. Surrounded by my family. Because they were asking me about it.

I just broke down completely and my mother had to help me leave the restaurant. And now my family likes to tease me, and prod me, and try to convince me that I should try again. "It's not that bad" they say. "I'm sure you're better at it then you think you are" they tell me.

Maybe I am. But I don't want to learn. And I won't. I am never getting behind the wheel of a car again, no way in hell. Because it's torture, and when I'm behind that wheel of death I can't relax and all I can think about is what if I kill someone, what if I kill myself, what if I have an accident and hurt myself or someone else. What if, what if, what if.

It's not worth the nightmare, the lack of sleep, and the illness. I'll walk, or take public transport, thank you very much.

Some random dude my mother and I met at one of her friends house was really snobby to me about that. He told my mother that she should stop picking me up at the train station when I come home to visit, and never bring me anywhere so that I could "learn the importance of knowing how to drive". I said fine. No problem. I've walked from the station to home before. And when I go from my dads to my mums or vice versa I always walk.

Mock me, and laugh at me if you want. I'll not drive.

Besides my mum was on my side there. My family can pick and prod all they like, but outsiders can stay out. Call it solidarity if you will.

Life in an American movie

Sometimes when I watch an American movie I feel like I might choke on the cheesiness.
Other times I feel jealous.

In a regular blockbuster American movie bad things only happen to bad people, and good people always win. Life seems easier, more simple.

It's mostly really cheesy though. And if you're not American sometimes it can be little annoying (by this I mostly mean that American films sometimes forget that other countries apart from the US exist. That and villains aren't always either Russian or British).

I've never been to the States but my brother has, and he says that life does seem like a movie there. It must be the state of mind of the people there.

He says it was great anyway, and now he wants to live there. My cousin wants to live in the states too. And I have family that lives there too (in Boston and New York). America is still an attractive place.

I really want to visit Chicago because that's where Starkid is (if you don't know what Starkid is, look it up. You won't regret it).

Only to visit though, I don't think I would like to live in the US. I'm happy enough in Europe. I like Europe, it's my home.

The Family

The Family is what my cousin and I call our shared relations. For some reason we enjoy making our shared family sound like some sort of Irish mafia. Go figure.

The Family. You know I can't even remember when we started calling them that? It just sort of happened.

I love my family very much. But I don't always like some of the members.
Family is a funny thing. It's funny because it's the one thing that you can love to itty bitty pieces, and at the same time, hate with a fiery burning passion.

Family. The word basically means a love-hate relationship.

How to explain the Family. Pretty regular I'd imagine. Pretty decent. But we talk. Oh boy do we talk. The competition is especially fierce between the sisters, that is to say my mother and aunts. And what are their chess pieces? Well my dearies those chess pieces would be their children.

It's hard to explain this without making them seem like horrible human beings. They aren't. They're lovely really. They just try and convince each other quietly, discreetly, subtly, that "my child is better than yours. Nah!"

What's funny is I don't think that they realise that they do it. Funny but also annoying sometimes. Especially when one of the chess pieces actually believes that they are the best and rubs it into your face.

It's always like that in these situations. You either end up believing you're some sort of demi-god, or you can't sleep at night because your going to fail everyone/have failed everyone.

Guess where I fit in.

Basically I'd say that the Family lives in a perpetual state of competition. And it's annoying as fuck.

Getting caught out in the rain

I got caught out in the rain today when I was walking my dog. When I set out the weather was fine and after walking for about ten minutes WOOSH a rain shower.

Needless to say I got completely soaked and so did the dog. We both ended up running home for cover (too late) and then stood in the doorway dripping while my mam (my french grandmother) laughed at us.

I looked like a drowned rat.

To give you an idea of how soaked I was, I had just dried my hair after a shower, went out to walk the dog, and then I had to dry my hair again. It was as if I had just walked out of the shower in the first place.

I wasn't upset though not really. If I'd been unable to come home and change then yes I would have been pissed, but this was almost fun.

It's not like I had to worry about anyone seeing me. And I wasn't intending on going out.

So it's all good. It's been a good christmas, better than it usually is for me.

Christmas dinner

Christmas dinner. So much food, for so little people. Yummy yummy food.

My dad stole a canapé by distracting my Grandmother shouting "look at that beautiful sunset". It was pitch black outside, and had been for a while. We all looked. Either my dad is a genius or we're just all very dim.

No turkey here it' all seafood (not that I would even eat turkey if there was some. I don't eat meat), so we have a table full of shrimp, and smoked salmon, and some tuna and lots and lot of other delicious things to eat.

There's also sausage and meat (yuck) for my dad and the rest of the family.

And to make things even better there are cartoons and kids films on the TV. All the good stuff basically.

And just in case I can't come back before Christmas, I hope you all have a good one! xx

Surviving the Apocalypse

Oh and as a sidenote I see that apparently we all survived the Apocalypse. That was anticlimactic I have to say.

Say hello to the Atlantic

My brother, my dad and I have arrived home. It took about 11 hours in a small car filled to the brim with stuff (mostly theirs oddly enough), and with a dog to get there. It was a long and boring trip, and I hate being in the car for that long.

But hey it was so worth it. Because now I can see the sea, and when I can't see it I can still smell it, or even taste it when the wind is blowing.


I'm home again.

And I feel pretty good, considering that I'm pretty sure I've failed all my exams, and one of my closest friends and I had a bit of a falling out, and I'm still tired all the time.

Still. Everything feels ok here. I should never leave. Seriously though.

Funny thing? My dad always says the same. Makes you wonder why we live where we live when we all hate it so much.

One of life's mysteries I guess.

Miniature cliffs made of sand.I almost fell in the water when I stood too close to the edge and it collapsed under my weight. Thank God for my ninja skills of jumping backwards.

Pogo rolling in the sand after swimming in the sea. Look at that guilty look on his face! Even he knows that he's going to need to be cleaned up.

Freedom is making me incoherant

I'm FREE!

That is until January. I have exams in January. Shit.

But whatever! I'm free now! I can sleep, and eat, and watch videos on youtube all day long! Sweet beautiful freedom!

Except for the fact that I still have some Christmas shopping to do before Monday. Although technically I have until Saturday because then I'm going on holidays...

And the stress is back.

I hate Christmas shopping. I never know what to get anyone and everyone always gets me a better present then I get for them and UGH. Just ugh. That about sums it up.


I have mentioned before that I'm not the biggest fan of Christmas. This is one of the reasons why. It's so stressful!

But honestly right now I don't even care because I'm still so happy to be free, and that I can relax a little and I don't have to read and learn forty pages of law off my heart.

I think I'll sleep for a few days.

Hopefully by tomorrow evening I'll be coherent and moderately interesting again.

My exams and the end of the world

My last exam is tomorrow. Well my last exam until January. And once my exams are done I will once again be able to talk, and write about things that are more interesting than the fact that my brain is melting and that I am slowly dying.

That is unless the world ends the day after tomorrow.

If I spend my last few days on this earth cramming for exams I am not going to be pleased. Not at all.

Not that I believe the world is going to end.

Fun fact : if the Mayan calender world ending theory was in fact correct we'd already all be dead, cause leap years didn't exist back then. So really we'd all have died eight months or so ago.

So yeah I think I should be ok.

Hopefully.

A brain made of scrambled eggs

So I had my history exam this morning.
I had to write a dissertation on the evolution of executive power in France between the years 1795 and 1814 in one hour and thirty minutes. Go me.

Seriously though I can't feel my brain. Or rather I can feel it a little too much.

You try remembering how many constitutions were written between 1789 and today and what order they were written in. It's not easy.

And then during the exam I almost had a heart attack because I couldn't remember if the first empire was in 1814 or 1830.

I don't even know who I am anymore.


And this afternoon I have to study for my exam in private law that is tomorrow. And if I can maybe I can also study for my exam in public law that is the day after tomorrow.

What is my life.

I haven't even done any Christmas shopping at all! I am ashamed.

My brain needs a break. Which is why instead of study I am going to tidy up my studio. Cause that's a break now. A few months ago you would have to have forced and convinced me to tidy anything. Now I do it as a break.

Fuck you college.

The joys of the French revolution

Fuck the french revolution. Fuck it to hell.
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, IhateitIhateitIhateIhateit, I hate it,  OH MY GOD.

Well I don't hate it. I'm glad they did it and all. But I hate the fact that it was so long, and complicated, and repetitive, and now I have to learn all these stupid dates.

Help me.

Seriously though when I first learnt about the French revolution they said it happened in 1789, and BAM that was it.

But now I learn that that happened, and then there was something else in 1792, then again in 1795, then something else in 1804, then in 1814, and then in 1830, and for fucks sake stop please. Please. Just no. Stop.

Politics. Pfff. It's never easy.

Oops there goes my brain...

So these past few days I've felt like my brain was melting, and I'm exhausted all the time.

My finals start this Tuesday. I'm fairly unprepared I have to say. And unfortunately for me my brain has decided that it does not want to study thank you very much.
Thanks a lot brain.

I've been staring at the same paragraph in my lessons for the past thirty minutes. I'm not even half way done yet. I'm so screwed.

In fact the only reason I'm even writing this very uninteresting article is because I didn't write anything yesterday, and I have a feeling that if I don't write anything now I won't write anything at all.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, my brain is so scrambled.

Whatever. I'll try and write something better this evening or tomorrow.

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it.

Hating school

I've always hated school. For me school was like a constant popularity contest that I could never win.

You had to be the prettiest, or the boys wouldn't like you.
You had to be the smartest, or you would never go far in life.
You had to be the most outgoing, or you would have no friends.
And on and on and on, a never ending list of impossible things.

I always lost. I was never the prettiest, or the smartest, or the most outgoing, or anything.
I was awkward, and shy, and scared, and I had braces and a really awful looking pair of glasses.

I'm still awkward, and shy, and scared, but at least now my braces are gone and I have contact lenses. Praise the Lord.

They made fun of me at school. "They" being the more popular kids, the ones better at hiding the fact that they were just as lost as I was.

I used to wake up in the morning dreading getting out of bed, dreading the fact that I was going to have to go to school.

And that feeling has stuck with me. Like I said before I'm better now, but that doesn't mean I don't dread going. I've mentioned in one of my earlier articles the fact that I'm afraid of people. Really I'm afraid of large groups of people, mainly because there's this little voice in my head constantly telling me that those people are going to laugh at me and make fun of me.

Stupid voice. Those people probably don't even realise I exist.

I'm going to have to get over this eventually. That or become a hermit.

I could be a hermit.

The Hobbit or the tale of the girl who had no friends

So I'm feeling a little sad right now. Yeah sorry. It's going to be one of those posts...
I apologise in advance.

Why am I feeling sad? You're all going to laugh at me for this, but here it goes.

The hobbit is out in a cinema near me tomorrow, which for ten solid minutes made me giddy with excitement. And then I realised, there's not one person that I can think of to come with me. Not one.

Is that sad or what?

It's like all of a sudden I've realised that I have no friends. Well that's not quite true. I don't have no friends, it's just that most of them live fairly far away. And nearby, I have one friend that I see on a regular basis, and two others that I see, what, once every two months?

So why don't I ask one of these three people to come with me? Well two of them are currently out of town (naturally), and the other I'm afraid to ask. I don't want to seem needy. Also I don't even know if she likes the hobbit.

So I guess I'll just go alone. Great. Just great.

Quite possibly one my favorite scenes from the book. I hope they do it justice.

Oh and to all of you who would suggest that I wait for my two other friends to come back home, I say the following : it's the Hobbit! I've been waiting all year for this moment! I have to go. End of story.

The life of a sloth

I need a lot of sleep. And I mean a lot.

I'm a pretty decent human being generally speaking, but if you don't let me get my sleep I will turn into a raging psychotic monster and I will destroy you until all that is left is ash.

But you know. Whatever.

I think I must have been a sloth or something in my past life. It's the only logical explanation for the fact that I can sleep for twelve hours straight and when I wake up all I will want to do is go back to sleep again.

Seriously it's a problem. I'm tired all the time.

My family's nickname for me is "la larve" which translates directly to "the larva". That pretty much explains it all I should think. It's not very pretty but at least it's correct.

This morning to go keep a friend company I woke up at seven, forced myself to get out of bed, walked around town with said friend all morning, got home at two o'clock, and then I went back to bed and slept for two and a half hours. 
The worst part? This happens on a regular basis.

What the actual fuck.

My bed is magical

I don't know how, or why, but I think my bed is magical.

Well actually I do know why. My bed attracts people onto it and makes them fall asleep. And once they are asleep they are trapped forever (Well. For a little while) because they are too comfortable and don't want to get up. Ever.

This is why I sleep all the time. My bed is a trap.

Seriously though people are always falling asleep in my bed. It actually happens all the fricking time.
Sometimes my friends come over, head straight to my bed, get in, and go to sleep. My reaction is usually to give in and join in.

In fact at this very moment one of my friends is currently sleeping in the trap. My bed I mean.

Oh wait she's waking up! Wait... No. She's back asleep.

I guess I'll go join in on the dreaming then. Sweet dreams all.

A vampire snack

This evening I had to remind a friend that she was not a vampire, and that I am not a cheeseburger. For real.

So I was just being my normal self (awkward and unassuming), when suddenly I was attacked by a rabid creature intent on biting me for the sake of it.

The rabid creature? My friend Eda.

She chased me around my studio for ten minutes tickling me, and trying to bite, whilst I ran away from her trying not to giggle too much, and trying to not be bitten, please, thank you very much.

I lost. She bit me.

And then she caught me and picked me up fireman style before dropping me onto my bed.

My adventures are always so weird.

Le bonheur

Today I was looking through my old computer files and I found the following text that I wrote about two years ago for a topic on happiness in class.

Please forgive the sudden change of language, and if you can speak french then please forgive my awful french grammar...

Le bonheur est une chose très difficile à décrire, car ce qui fera le bonheur de l'un ne fera probablement pas le bonheur de l'autre. Dans notre monde l'on trouve des bonheurs simples et des bonheurs extravagants, tous très différents l'un de l'autre.

Personnellement, je trouve que le bonheur est une créature mesquine et sournoise. Elle nous fait croire que le monde est beau et juste, et que tout ces choses horribles dont nous entendons parler à la radio, et à la télévision,ne peuvent exister. Comment est-ce possible de se sentir heureux si ces horreurs existent vraiment? Le bonheur nous fait oublier. C'est peut-être de la que viens cette citation anglaise « l’ignorance  c'est le bonheur » (« ignorence is bliss »).

          

Mais ne vous méprenez pas sur ce que je veux dire. J'aime le bonheur, comme tout être humain sensé d'ailleurs. J'aime me sentir heureuse. J'aime oublier les choses qui me font bouillir le sang, ou qui me font pleurer. J'aime me retrouver dans un moment ou tout s'arrête, ou je me retrouve seule avec qui, ou quoi de ce qui ma rendue heureuse. N'est-ce pas magnifique de se sentir si heureux que tout de ce qui est mauvais et injuste dans le monde disparaît? Je pense que c'est pour cela que les gens aiment lire des livres joyeux, ou utopiques, où l'on se retrouve dans des mondes ou l'injustice n'existe pas! On ne peut que ressentir du bonheur dans un monde comme cela  Mais ces mondes n'existent que dans notre imagination. Nous ne vivons pas dans un monde parfait. Mais nous pouvons vivres des moments parfaits, des moments de pur bonheur, où tout va bien dans le meilleur des mondes. C'est à ces moments la où la vie retrouve son sens, et où l'on se rappel que nous sommes pas si malheureux que ça.

            

Donc pour vivre bien, et surtout pour vivre heureux, il est de mon avis que nous devons savourer nos moments parfaits, nos moments utopiques, nos moments où nous oublions tout le reste, car si nous nous concentrons que sur l'aspect négatif de notre monde,je pense qu'il serait à peine concevable de pouvoir dormir la nuit sans se sentir coupable.

Reading books for children

Books for younger readers are better than books for grown ups generally speaking.

I'm supposed to be a grown up now. Almost. Basically.
At least I'm supposed to act like I want to be grown up.

I don't want to grow up. I want to be a kid forever.
Hence the reason I love children's books better than books for grown ups.

Books for grown ups are boring. Grown ups are boring.
Growing up is boring.

I never understood the idiots who wanted to grow up.
Let me get this straight : you want stress, and a job, and a morgage, and student loans, and ungrateful kids, and a rent, and all the other stuff that comes with it? Really?

You'd rather have all that, instead of kids books, and cartoons, and imagination, and Santa Claus, and free food, and the Easter bunny, and pocket money, and fairies, and all the other stuff that comes with it? Really?

Why? Seriously, someone needs to explain this to me cause I don't get it.

Sorry guys, but I'm going to try and stay as close to childhood as I can. And right now that means reading kids books.
Hell the stories are usually better anyway.

Stealing my mothers boots

I went walking in the snow today, and it was so lovely. I had to borrow a pair of my mums boots though because I'm a dickhead and I forgot mine in Strasbourg. Way to go Chloe.

But yeah she lent me her boots. And I'm thinking about stealing them because they're actually really cool.
But stealing is wrong...
Inner conflict.

So yeah walking in the snow. It was really nice. It was cold but dry, and I was really well covered up, so the only part of me that was cold was my face.

Am I the only one who loves that feeling? When your cheeks are just all red from the cold, and you can't feel the tip of your nose?
I don't know why, but I just love it.

I don't like it when I'm cold all over though. That's just nasty.

I was walking around for about and hour and a half, and I felt so good after. This is why I love living in the country side. Well, not in town really.
I love it because you can just wander around, without actually meeting anyone, and you can just get completely lost in your own thoughts.

It's so lonely and peaceful and quiet. You don't have to worry about anything, you can just forget all of the things in life that get in the way of you just enjoying the world.

It's the best feeling.

Star Wars

So today instead of studying (something I sorely need to do) I did something that is either incredibly awesome, or incredibly lame.

I watched Star Wars episode IV.

I regret nothing, Star Wars is amazing.
I love all that kind of stuff. I love Star Wars, and the lord of the rings, and Harry Potter. I watched Howls moving castle last night, and if you haven't seen it that you should because it was fucking amazing.

Who needs real life?

I hadn't watched Star Wars in years. It felt like going back in time, and it was just the best.

And so tonight I'm going to watch episode V, just cause I feel like it, and I think I deserve to do something that makes me feel happy.

A childhood blur

Yesterday my cousin linked me to this article or whatever is was called "you can never go home again" written by Melissa Jordan. I'd never heard of her before this.

Her article talked about the fact that the more we grow up, the further away we get from our childhood homes. Or even just our childhoods.

I miss my childhood, but it's an odd feeling because at the very same time I can hardly remember it at all.

My childhood pretty much ended when I was nine. Well it started its death there. My childhood took about a year to die. And yes it was painful.

When I was nine my family moved from Ireland to France, and it was a difficult move. My brother and I had to deal with a certain language barrier and some culture shock. We weren't dealing very well but I think that we would have been ok. Except that almost exactly a year after the move my mother told us that her and my dad we getting a divorce.

It's all a blur after that. All I remember is a lot of sadness. But really I remember nothing until I hit fourteen.

But when I think back to before all of that, even though I don't remember much, I can remember a little, and it's enough to make me miss it.

That's why I love Ireland so much. I associate it with my childhood, and happier times.

And it's why I'm so scared for my sister. I'm always telling my mum that I hope that she won't be like me. My mum always gets so confused whenever I say this. She doesn't realise that what I mean is that I really want my sister to be happy, and I really don't want her to get screwed up by life's unhappy events. I want my mum to stay with my stepdad forever that way my sister will never feel like she as to choose a parent, I want them to live in France forever so that she always has a home.

I just really want my sister to be happy. I don't want her t be like me.

Not that I'm always unhappy. Just that I'm usually not very happy either. I spend my life between both emotions and I end up feeling nothing at all.

I'm not sure what's worse. Being unhappy, or feeling nothing.

Pets are life

So I'm being overwhelmingly angsty these days and that's never fun to read, so let's try and write something happy to balance out my last « my life sucks bla bla cry cry » post.

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. I have happy thoughts every now and then.

Um.

Wait for it.

Ah. No. No that's no good.

Oh fuck it, I don't know. I like cats ?

Cats are fucking awesome.

I am definitely going to be one of those crazy cat ladies when I'm older. Who needs a man when you can have a dozen cats ?

And when I say that I love cats, I mean that I fucking worship all cats of all ages, from cuddly kittens to old tomcats with ripped ears.

I have one cat for the moment. His name is Velvet and he is the best. He's huge, and fat, and fluffy, and sweet, and I love him so much it actually hurts. Long story short he's my baby, and if ever someone hurts him or tries to take him away I will destroy that person. I will obliviate them.

He had a sister named Bee, but she died almost three years ago now. I'm not going to talk about her today. I'm trying to think happy thoughts, and thinking about her always makes me cry.

But Velvet ! Oh I'm excited now ! He lives with my mum and stepdad for the moment because I can't have him in my studio. But once I have a job and all that stuff proper grown ups have, he's coming to live with me. Oh and I'm excited because I'm almost home and I'm going to be able to see my baby !

 Velvet on the left, Bee on the right.

I'm insane. Whatever.

I also have a dog. His name is Pogo, and he lives with my dad. We've had him forever, and whenever family comes over they always ask the same question : is pogo still alive ?

Of course he's still alive ! He's got years to live still. Silly family members.

So yeah I love my pets. In fact, I just love animals in general, and I think I probably prefer them to humans.

Cause that's totally normal.

Unhappy thoughts

So I'm writing this on the train because, praise the lord, I am going home for four days.

I both hate and love going home. I love it because it takes me away from Strasbourg and from school and all the negative feelings associated with being on my own.

I hate it because even home doesn't feel like home anymore.

And the older I get the more I realise that home hasn't felt like home in years. « Home is where the heart is » they say. Well I don't know where my heart is exactly but it's definitely not where I am now. In fact I'd go so far as to say that it's very very far away.

I like to think that all my unhappiness in life can be blamed on the fact that I'm not where I should be, because at least that way there is a possibility that one day I will find my home and I will be truly and properly happy.

Wow. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

If you asked the people that hang out with me, some of my friends, and my entire family, what I'm like, and if I'm happy they would certainly say something like this : Chloe ? Oh she's fine. She can get a little overanxious sometimes but really she's just being silly.

And I smile and nod and agree because it's easier. My family doesn't want to know that I'm unhappy, and neither do most of my friends.

So I don't tell them. It's simple really.

Simple but very unhealthy.

Honestly ? I'm hanging on by a thread. And one of these days that thread is going to break and who knows what I'll do. Run away maybe.

I dream of running away, and never looking back. Of going to the sea and just breathing in that beautiful fresh air, and feeling all my fear and unhappiness just melting away.

All is healed by salt water : tears, sweat and the sea. My dad told me that once.

The horror of group projects

Group work is the absolute work. Why? Because something always goes wrong. Always.

The thing that I hate about group projects is the fact that I don't have total control over what's going on. I never realised what a control freak I was until my very first group project. Bad, bad memories there.
Long story short I ended doing twice as much work as I was supposed to, because one of the girls in my group was a lazy incompetent bitch. Oh and then she told everyone that I was the bad guy in the story.

Good times.

Anyway I (we I should say) have a group project to hand in tomorrow. And it it isn't entirely finished yet (not panicking) and it still has to be printed (Not panicking), and I no longer have any control on the project at all. So yeah I'm panicking a little.

But if I'm such a control freak over projects, how did I lose all control? Well I just so happen to be doing this project with three other people, one of which is actually an even bigger control freak than me.
And she's bigger than me. She's like a Tiger and I'm a damn mouse.

I wanted this all done last monday. And to keep me quiet, I was told that I had done all my work (and a little extra lets be honest here) and that there was nothing more for me to do but wait.
And then this morning on the eve of the day that we have to hand the damn thing in, they send me messages asking for my opinion on things that were supposed to be done days ago.

I just. What. I can't even. No. No. No no no fucking no.

Anyhow I have to meet up with one of the members of my group this evening to deal with some last minute hiccups, that I left for them to handle, because hey, I did my work ages ago.

I can't wait until this is over.

The medicinal properties of chocolate

Chocolate is one of the best things ever created. Ever. No competition.
I'm a self diagnosed chocoholic, but anyone who knows me won't try and prove the opposite. If I go a day, without eating any I feel jittery and awful, and I just want to eat it so badly all the time.

So yeah. I'm an addict.

But hey it could be so much worse. And the worst thing overdosing on chocolate can do, is on the short term give you a stomach ache, and in the long term make you fat.

I can handle a stomach ache every now and then, and as for being fat? There are far worse fates in life.

In my opinion eating a lot of chocolate even has advantages. Its makes you feel better when you're sad. Something about chemical reaction in your brain when you eat it. It's scientifically proven.

Thank you science for giving me an excuse to gorge myself on the stuff.

So yeah I'm one of those sad girls, who whenever they have a bad day, just eat a whole chocolate cake, or a batch of brownies, or anything else like that.
I have no regrets.

Failing exams

A few weeks ago I had my very first major exam in law.
And as the title of this text post will tell you, I didn't do so well.

I failed, with only 25%. And it's not a pleasant feeling I can tell you that.

Anyways I held out until the end of the lesson, then I called my mum immediately after leaving the classroom.
I wasn't intending on being upset over the phone, but she could tell, and when she asked about my mark, I broke and just started crying.

I feel like a failure.

Not only that, I also feel stupid. And I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing in law school. I don't belong here, I say to myself. Go do something else. Something you stand a chance at. Something that you're good at.
And I get slapped in the face by the following question : what am I good at?

Oh shit.

Hello dark void of depression.

What am I good at? I'm not good at anything. At least not that I know of.
I'm not good at sports, or at school, or in art, or in anything. So what do I do?

Well for the moment I guess I'm just going to have no carry on and hope for the best. And maybe, just maybe, I might land on my feet.

Please God, don't let me be completely screwed.

The importance of childhood toys

Toys are an important part in every childs life. We all have this one toy that we loved more than all the others, that one special toy that we can never forget, or leave behind completely.

I've had this one toy ever since I was born, a teddy in the shape of a light blue dolphin.

His name is Bob.
When I was little I couldn't sleep unless I had Bob.

Do you want a confession?
I still can't sleep without Bob.

Ever since I was a new born baby, up to my eighteen and a half year old self, I have never been able to sleep properly if Bob isn't there.

Bob is magical, and I love him a whole lot.

Now by magical, obviously I don't mean that he talks, and takes me on magical tours of the ocean with all his other magic dolphin friends.
He just has this amazing calming effect on me. So whenever I panic, or whenever I'm sad, or scared, or even angry, I just take him into my arms and breath in.
And it all goes away.

Work is hard

I am a very lazy person, and I would rather spend my entire day in my pyjamas and no make up watching my favourite television series on my computer, than do any work. At all.

Unfortunately I can't really do that. Because of life.

For instance I shouldn't be writing this right now. I am supposed to be working on university projects, and homework. I should be opening up my law books, and writing pages on fascinating law procedures.
But its so boring.
 Dear Lord, it is boring. Boring boring boring boring boring.

And I don't want to to do it. I really really don't.

But I have to work. We all have to work. And unfortunately, most of us hate it.

Now as I may or may not have mentioned it before, I live in France, and here's something you should know about the country : France one of the most stressed out and depressed countries in the world. Something like 21% of the population suffers from some form of depression.

And it's all part of the system. 

It starts young. In France you start getting marks on your "homework" from the age of five or six. And immediately you are told, and taught that you have to get good marks.

By the time you hit high school, the "weak" have been weeded out. And by "weak" I don't mean stupid or anything. Just not good at school, or not able to handle the pressure.

And it just keeps getting worse.

I'm in law school, and today I should be getting results from my first ever exam. I'm so scared that I've failed that I actually feel like I'm going to be sick. 

The worst part? I know that it's just going to get worse and worse, and harder and harder, until I break and I can't go on, and I give up.

In France the whole system is based on breaking you, on making you give up. They only want the strongest at the top. And then they wonder that 21% of the population needs happy pills.

So I don't want to work. Because it's so hard, and sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's worth it.

But hey I'll give it a shot. They haven't completely broken me yet.

The best friends a person could ask for

Everyone says that they have the best friends in the entire world, and I'm no different.
But then again I really do have some pretty awesome friends.

I'm not popular. I've never been popular, and lets be honest I probably never will be. I can count the number  of true friends I have on one hand. Maybe two if I'm feeling generous.
This has never mattered very much to me though, because I know that the friends I do have, they are people that I can trust completely. They won't stab me in the back, or tell the world about my secrets and fears. I can trust my friends with everything I own.

It gets lonely sometimes though. Why? Because out of my absolute top four favorite people in the world, not one, not even one, lives where I live. Two live in different countries. The other two live where I used to live before I went off to uni.
So I'm lonely and I miss them. So much that sometimes it even hurts.

And I'm scared. I'm scared that they'll forget about me, or that they'll replace me. I'm scared that they don't like me, the way that I like them. That for them I'm just a random friend, when for me they are so vital to my well-being.

We all need friends. And once I was told that we're all scared. We're all scared of being alone.

As human beings we all crave society to a certain extent, some more than others, but lets be honest here. Who here wants to be alone forever? With no friends, or family?
I don't. I'm terrified of being alone in that way. And the scariest thing for me is that right now in this period of my life I feel like I am.

Which is why my friends are the best in the world.

Right now as I am writing this I am on skype with one of my very best friends. And even though she lives pretty far away, she's looking out for me. She talks to me almost every day, and sometimes she turns on skype, not to talk, but just to give me company while I work. She makes sure that I'm eating alright, than I'm feeling ok, she asks me about my day.
I have another friend (well actually she's my cousin but whatever), who these past few weeks has been demanding regular information about how my life is going.
Another who is capable of making me laugh like a complete maniac, even when I'm in the darkest of moods.
And I have one who won't let me put myself down. Who makes me see myself in a positif light, even when all I feel like doing is putting myself down.

So yeah. I think it's safe to say that my friends are pretty damn awesome.

It's snowing

Today is the first sunday of december, and it's snowing.
Now normally I'm not a huge fan of snow. It's cold and wet, and when you live in a city or even a town it doesn't stay white and pretty very long.

But today we are in december, and I don't know. It feels like christmas I guess.
But here's the thing : I'm not all that fond of christmas either. Please don't throw things at me!

It's not that I hate christmas, or the christmas spirit. It's just for that for some reason I always get really depressed on christmas day.
I think it all goes back to Santa, and finding out that he wasn't real.
Now I was one those kids who really REALLY loved santa. He was the entire meaning of christmas. Not only that but I was a little kid I lived in a small village in Ireland, and everyone played along. Not one single person would have dared tell a kid that santa wasn't real.
Hell on christmas eve in Ireland there's a whole segment on santa's progression in the world on the news. Thats right. The evening news plays the game.

Santa was the deal deal.

And then I moved to France.
Long story short a bunch of french kids pointed their fingers at me and laughed for my stupidity and naive belief. That's one way to find out I guess.
Anyway once santa stopped existing Christmas lost it's point for me. And no matter what I do, on Christmas day I will always feel like shit.

But maybe not this year. Why not? Cause my little sister is four, and she's old enough to understand the concept of santa claus. And for me it's like believing all over again. I get to play the game, and yeah it's on the other side, but it's still the game. And I intend on enjoying it.

Oh and the person who laughs at my baby sister, and tells her santa doesn't exist? That person will suffer all the wrath that I wasn't able to inflict on those bastardly little french kids back in the day. I can promise you that.

So I have no idea what I'm doing, or what's going on. But I'm here. Mainly because my cousin is here, and she told me that a good way to get my feelings out of my head, would be to write them down for the world to see. Or in this case the internet.
So here I am. I'll try not to be too boring. Hey I might even try to be funny at times, as horrific as my attempts might be.

Should I introduce myself? I suppose I should. But what could the internet possibly want to know about little old me?
I'm 18 years old, and I'm a law student. Wow. I sound like such a riveting person.
Anyways. Law. It's as boring as it sounds.
I'm an introvert and I'm afraid of people. You guys scare the shit out of me. Which is why whenever I meet someone new, I always come off as a mute. Some people even find me unfriendly. But really I'm just very shy.
If you want to know just how shy and afraid and introverted I am, all you need to know, is that today is saturday, and I have not left my studio once. Not once. Why? Because I live in a city and there are people out there. The horror!

I enjoy writing. I'm not very good at it. I have some friends who whenever the write something I feel like crying because their style is just so beautiful. But I try. And God loves a trier does he not?

I'll leave it at that for the moment. I'm still dicovering how this site works. Computers are not exactly my thing. But once I'm sure of how this all works, then I'll try and write regularly. Hey I need to express myself somehow, or else I'm just going to explode.

And to the person reading this I leave the following message of parting : smile. It's good for you. xx