A childhood blur

Yesterday my cousin linked me to this article or whatever is was called "you can never go home again" written by Melissa Jordan. I'd never heard of her before this.

Her article talked about the fact that the more we grow up, the further away we get from our childhood homes. Or even just our childhoods.

I miss my childhood, but it's an odd feeling because at the very same time I can hardly remember it at all.

My childhood pretty much ended when I was nine. Well it started its death there. My childhood took about a year to die. And yes it was painful.

When I was nine my family moved from Ireland to France, and it was a difficult move. My brother and I had to deal with a certain language barrier and some culture shock. We weren't dealing very well but I think that we would have been ok. Except that almost exactly a year after the move my mother told us that her and my dad we getting a divorce.

It's all a blur after that. All I remember is a lot of sadness. But really I remember nothing until I hit fourteen.

But when I think back to before all of that, even though I don't remember much, I can remember a little, and it's enough to make me miss it.

That's why I love Ireland so much. I associate it with my childhood, and happier times.

And it's why I'm so scared for my sister. I'm always telling my mum that I hope that she won't be like me. My mum always gets so confused whenever I say this. She doesn't realise that what I mean is that I really want my sister to be happy, and I really don't want her to get screwed up by life's unhappy events. I want my mum to stay with my stepdad forever that way my sister will never feel like she as to choose a parent, I want them to live in France forever so that she always has a home.

I just really want my sister to be happy. I don't want her t be like me.

Not that I'm always unhappy. Just that I'm usually not very happy either. I spend my life between both emotions and I end up feeling nothing at all.

I'm not sure what's worse. Being unhappy, or feeling nothing.