Unhappy thoughts

So I'm writing this on the train because, praise the lord, I am going home for four days.

I both hate and love going home. I love it because it takes me away from Strasbourg and from school and all the negative feelings associated with being on my own.

I hate it because even home doesn't feel like home anymore.

And the older I get the more I realise that home hasn't felt like home in years. « Home is where the heart is » they say. Well I don't know where my heart is exactly but it's definitely not where I am now. In fact I'd go so far as to say that it's very very far away.

I like to think that all my unhappiness in life can be blamed on the fact that I'm not where I should be, because at least that way there is a possibility that one day I will find my home and I will be truly and properly happy.

Wow. I'm not even sure what that feels like.

If you asked the people that hang out with me, some of my friends, and my entire family, what I'm like, and if I'm happy they would certainly say something like this : Chloe ? Oh she's fine. She can get a little overanxious sometimes but really she's just being silly.

And I smile and nod and agree because it's easier. My family doesn't want to know that I'm unhappy, and neither do most of my friends.

So I don't tell them. It's simple really.

Simple but very unhealthy.

Honestly ? I'm hanging on by a thread. And one of these days that thread is going to break and who knows what I'll do. Run away maybe.

I dream of running away, and never looking back. Of going to the sea and just breathing in that beautiful fresh air, and feeling all my fear and unhappiness just melting away.

All is healed by salt water : tears, sweat and the sea. My dad told me that once.